1. Introduction

Contrary to popular believe the first Terms of Service were written by Moses. Luckily we found them and translated them to fit our Site. So these Terms of Service are for Followme.org ("we", "us", "site", "the site", "website", "the website") and contain mutual promises.

So in essence, here's the deal people: when you access this site you may be giving up certain rights because you're giving permission to the site or a third-party to contact you about whatever this site is about. Oh, and, uh…. You also agree that you are eighteen (18) years of age and that you are telling the truth about your age and information you give to this website. Information such as: name, date of birth, address, phone number, mobile phone number, and that you know you're responsible for all applicable charges incurred on your mobile phone.

Of course, God already knows all that stuff, but in order to use this website you agree to provide that information to the owners of the site. Remember, the site works with third-party service providers who work to make your walk with God a little bit easier - whether you realize it or not. Lastly, our Site is intended to improve your relationship with God but we do not engage in any form of counselling.

2. Information You Provide to Follow Me

Moses asked God, "So what are these websites going to do with all this information they collect and why do they need to collect it?"

God answered, "Well Moses, you know that I know everything and I know who still wets the bed at night, but you don't and neither do the people running the website. So, Followme.org will have to find out who visits their website looking for help. The people accessing this site agree to let Followme.org ask for the user's name, e-mail address, mailing address, zip code, date of birth, and telephone number, and say, "By giving us your information you agree to let us use your information for the following purposes:

  • To enhance or improve user experience, the website, or service
  • To process transactions and sell/transfer/exchange to a third party for their marketing purposes WITHOUT consent.
  • To send emails about the site or respond to inquiries
  • To send emails about the website and other products, news, or updates from Follow Me.
  • To send emails about other third parties products or services
  • To enhance your experience with big guy upstairs
  • In addition to providing us with the above information, you must be at least eighteen years old to sign up for our service, or, if a higher age of contractual capacity exists in your jurisdiction, then you must be at least that age."

3. Thou Shalt not Steal Thy Neighbor's Web Content!

God: Hey Moses!
Moses: Yeah?
God: Remember that commandment I had to chisel out about not stealing?
Moses: Yup.
God: Here's something that goes along with that — thou shalt not steal thy neighbor's web content. Stealing thy neighbor's web content is just like stealing your neighbor's spouse, donkey, camel, tent, or his stereo with 20 inch subwoofers.
Moses: What's a subwoofer?
God: Nevermind. Just keep writing. "The user is to agree that he or she will not steal the content, or look and feel of this website. That would be a no-no - a big no-no. If any part of this website is reproduced or used without Followme.org's consent, then the person or persons committing the offense can get in trouble with the law Title 17 of the U.S.C. And of course I may also give them a flat tire on their way to work when its raining."

4. Obey These Commands

In accordance with this Agreement, you agree to the following terms of acceptable use and not commit the sinfully naughty things listed below:

  • You will notify third party providers if you have a problem with them;
  • You will not use bots or scripts to access our Site for any reason;
  • You will obey all laws applicable to you;
  • You will not reproduce, reverse engineer, copy, disassemble, distribute, hack, crack, phish, upload viruses, SQL inject, transmit, or otherwise create, analyze, or disseminate any derivative works of any content provided by Follow Me;

Any violation of these rules may result in immediate termination and/or legal action. And that smell of fire and brimstone wafting up through your nostrils isn't the edge of hell. No. That's our lawyer coming to you with legal papers in one hand and an en fuego burrito in the other hand. (That's his lunch).

5. Disclaimer:

We firmly believe God the Holy Spirit works faith in the hearts of those who read and hear His holy word - the Bible. There are those who hear or read God's Word and reject what God has to say about His great love for the world. Therefore we have no control over how strong a person's faith becomes or whether or not a person's heart will be turned from unbelief to saving faith in God. We cannot guarantee any outcome from the services we provide. We also do not provide any counselling or therapeutical services, and therefore we disclaim any liability for any advice you may receive from us.

God is solely responsible for people coming to faith. Neither God nor us can claim responsibility for anyone's unbelief or rejection of Him and His Word. Therefore, you accept that we are only offering our services as a tool to help you with your life of faith in God. Besides, someone has already tried to sue god before and lost. I think they ended up getting leprosy or something. So don't do it.

6. DMCA Notices

And the Lord said to Moses, "Copyright infringement is a serious matter. Followme.org will do its best not to steal someone else's web content or infringe upon another's copyright. So that's where this whole Golden rule thing comes in. If Followme.org allegedly infringes on somebody else's copyright, here are the one and only detailed set of instructions regarding what the offended party should do. Grabbing swords and spears for a royal rumble is not recommended and strongly discouraged. Neither is taking someone from Followme.org into a wrestling ring and going top rope on them."

If you believe that your copyright has been infringed, please send us a message which contains:

  • Your name
  • The name of the party whose copyright has been infringed, if different from your name
  • The name and description of the work that is being infringed
  • The location on our website of the infringing copy
  • A statement that you have a good faith belief that use of the copyrighted work described above is not authorized by the copyright owner (or by a third party who is legally entitled to do so on behalf of the copyright owner) and is not otherwise permitted by law.
  • A statement that you swear, under penalty of perjury, (without the swear words you hear at work or on television) that the information contained in this notification is accurate and that you are the copyright owner or have an exclusive right in law to bring infringement proceedings with respect to its use.

You must sign this notification and send it to our Copyright Agent at:

webmaster@followme.org

An electronic signature is acceptable.

7. That's not Thunder You Hear. It's God Making His Point.

God: And another thing, Moses.
Moses: What's that?
God: Put down a note for when people type up agreements like these. Tthey need to turn on caps lock so that people understand what I have to say is really important.
Moses: You mean like when you gave me the 10 Commandments in your voice sounded like thunder and the people were scared so bad they had to buy new underwear?
God: You got it.

HERE'S WHAT THE LORD TOLD US TO SAY: WE WHO ARE PROVIDING THIS WEBSITE CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT OUR SITE WON'T BREAK YOUR COMPUTER FOR NOT ACTING IN HOLY REVERENCE TOWARD GOD. WHAT CAN WE SAY? GOD CONTROLS ALL THINGS. YOU AGREE WE ARE NOT A COUNSELING SERVICE NOR DO WE PROVIDE ANY COUNSELING ADVICE AND ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY ADVICE YOU MAY RECEIVE FROM US. YOU AGREE THAT THE STUFF WE OR A THIRD-PARTY PROVIDE IS LIKE THE CHICKEN SANDWICH YOU GET AT A FAST FOOD JOINT, MEANING IT COMES "AS IS" OR "AS AVAILABLE." EVEN IF THE CHICKEN TASTES LIKE CARDBOARD OR FREEZER BURNED JUST LIKE IF YOU FIND OUR WEBSITE'S CONTENT STALE AND TASTELESS, YOU CAN'T SUE US BECAUSE YOU VIEWED OUR SITE. SO WE'RE DISCLAIMING ALL WARRANTIES AND LIABILITY FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, WHETHER OR NOT WE KNEW OR SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. REMEMBER, WE'RE NOT GOD. WHEN YOU COME INTO OUR SITE, YOU AGREE TO OBEY GOD AND THE TERMS OF USE SET FORTH IN THIS SITE. AND IF WE END UP BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING WE'RE NOT OBLIGATED TO PAY YOU A SHEKEL, DONKEY, PENNY, EURO, OR WHATEVER FORM OF CURRENCY THAT EXISTS. WE DISCLAIM ALL LIABILITY TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED. WE WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, WHETHER DIRECT OR INDIRECT, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, EXEMPLARY, PUNITIVE, OR OTHER, EVEN IF WE KNEW OR SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. OUR LIABILITY IN ANY JURISDICTION THAT DOES NOT ALLOW FOR THE EXCLUSION OR LIMITATION OF LIABILITY, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW.

8. No Harm to the Site Owner

God: Moses, to make sure the site owner is safe from legal harm, we need to include an indemnity clause.
Moses: Why? Is that to keep the people who know the law in business?
God: Yeah, and to provide a wealth of fodder for lawyer jokes. So write down where disputes over these terms can be settled and the reasons under which these terms can change on a humanly whim:

You agree to indemnify and hold us harmless for any claims by you or any third party which may arise from or relate to this Agreement or the provision of our service to you. You also agree that you have a duty to defend us against such claims and we may require you to pay for an attorney(s) of our choice in such cases. You agree that this indemnity extends to requiring you to pay for our reasonable attorneys' fees, court costs, and disbursements. In the event of a claim such as one described in this paragraph, we may elect to settle with the party/parties making the claim, and you shall be liable for the damages as though we had proceeded with a trial.

9. Choice of Law

This Agreement shall be governed by the laws in force in the Commonwealth of Virginia. The winner in any lawsuit will be responsible for paying tithing to the other partner in the amount of their attorneys fees and costs.

10. Forum of Dispute

You agree that any dispute arising from or relating to this Agreement will be heard solely by a court of competent jurisdiction in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

11. Force Majeure (oh look God stuff)

You agree that we are not responsible to you for anything that we may otherwise be responsible for, if it is the result of events beyond our control, including, but not limited to, acts of God, flash mobs singing praise songs for hours on end, war, loud trumpet blasts causing city walls and cities to crumble, insurrection, riots, terrorism, crime, labor shortages (including lawful and unlawful strikes), embargoes, postal disruption, communication disruption, failure or shortage of infrastructure, shortage of materials, second coming of Christ, or any other event beyond our control.

12. Severability

In the event that a provision of this Agreement is found to be unlawful or otherwise unenforceable just like the tablets of stone Moses smashed the first time he came down from Mount Sinai, the Agreement will remain in force as though it had been entered into without that unlawful or unenforceable provision being included in it.

13. Assignment

You may not assign your rights and/or obligations under this Agreement to any other party without our prior written consent. We may assign our rights and/or obligations under this Agreement to any other party at our discretion.

14. Amendments

We may amend this Agreement from time to time. When we amend this Agreement, we will notify you and request that you agree to the amendments. You may refuse to agree to the amendments, but if you do, you must immediately cease using our website and our service.

God: Moses, how much you wanna bet most people read these terms all the way to the end?
Moses: How should I know? I'm not you!
God: Good point.